OT: What Cheese Best Personifies Each Member of the Staff.

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1,447
#1
As a celebration of the release of @njstateofmind, I thought it might be fitting, if not somewhat off-topic (thought still, technically, UM football-related) to compare each member of the staff to a type of cheese. Here are my thoughts. Curious for yours. There are no wrong answers here...

Coach M. Richt - Aged Cheddar. Richt's stubborn, inflexible coaching style immediately rules out any of the soft or medium cheese -- he is a hard to firm cheese all day. Aged Cheddar is an old and conservative cheese. There is nothing terribly special about aged cheddar, but it does have name recognition. It is also a limited cheese. For instance, put it on a Kobe beef slider and you have a delicious meal, but put it on some ground chuck and it's just a burger. Aged Cheddar just won't elevate the burger to that next level. Aged cheddar is also yellow, a color typically associated with cowardice (a trait typically associated with Richt's offensive philosophy).

Coach Diaz - Mature Gorgonzola. An Italian blue cheese with bite. This cheese is not for the soft-hearted, as it can sometimes sour. It is a dangerous cheese made by introducing little bit of mold to the process, placing the entire cheese at risk. But with great risk comes great reward. It also pairs well with a strong wine (just as Coach Diaz's defense has paired well with UM's whiny offense).

Coach Brown - Kraft Yellow American Cheese Slice. This flavorless, ill-textured, processed cheese is barely even cheese. By FDA standards, it is permitted to call itself a cheese because it is made of at least 51% real cheese. So, too, with Coach Brown, who is permitted to call himself an Offensive Coordinator, just barely.

Coach Dugans - Aged Spanish Manchego. This cheese has a distinctive flavor, but is not overpowering or pungent. Firm but supple, this is a cheese that comes to work.

Coach Searles - Flavored Cream Cheese. Also barely a cheese. Flavored Cream Cheese is among the most unhealthy cheeses for you. This store-bought, processed, soft, spread cheese often contains aspartame, which, like the Canes' OL the last 3 years, has been linked with gastrointestinal problems.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Swiss Cheese came a close second, for obvious reasons associated with our OL play.

Coach J. Richt - Government Cheese. Cheese provided to welfare beneficiaries from WWII through the early 80s. It's free cheese, which should tell you everything you need to know about its quality. The costs associated with the storage of 250,000 tons of government cheese became a national source of public debate in the early 80s. One representative from the USDA remarked that, "Probably the cheapest and most practical thing would be to dump it in the ocean." Same with Jon.

Coach Hartley (aka "El Sicario Blanco") - Anejo Cheese. A sharp, spicy Mexican cheese. This white cheese is a strong one. However, when this cheese is not aged properly, it crumbles and breaks into small pieces in the same manner as UM's coverage units.

Coach Rumph - Cottage Cheese. A hearty, healthy cheese. Not everyone likes the taste of cottage cheese - and it certainly isn't flashy - but you can't doubt it's good for you. Very low in sodium, this is not a salty cheese. Half a cup of cottage cheese contains 15g of protein. It's a cheese that builds muscle and makes you stronger.

Coach Banda - Baby Brie. Known as the Queen of Cheeses. Baby Brie is a soft cheese, but it is considered rich and creamy. It is also an aromatic cheese with character. However, this cheese does poorly with bacteria, and must be kept away from such harmful, foreign bodies, lest it spoil. As with Banda and the Judas Jobe, South Florida diva, the combination is distasteful on the palate.

Coach Simpson - Montery Jack. A mild, white cheese. Not an old world cheese, as it was invented here in the USA. Not an exciting cheese, but does its job of providing flavor. Time will tell what the future holds for this cheese, as even now varieties (like Spicy Jack) are popping up. Cautious optimism is warranted.

Coach Patke - Cheesestrings. More a snack made for children than an actual cheese. Most cheese connoisseurs will tell you this is not a cheese, and scoff at its inclusion in this list. Most Canes fans will also tell you Patke is not a coach, and has no business on a p5 staff, but what do we know.

Hope you enjoyed!
 
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#3
Is that Kenneth on the right?
 

Cane Dynasty

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#4
Manny Diaz is Old Amsterdam

Because it's one of the best ever created.
 
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#7
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#8
As a celebration of the release of @njstateofmind, I thought it might be fitting, if not somewhat off-topic (thought still, technically, UM football-related) to compare each member of the staff to a type of cheese. Here are my thoughts. Curious for yours. There are no wrong answers here...

Coach M. Richt - Aged Cheddar. Richt's stubborn, inflexible coaching style immediately rules out any of the soft or medium cheese -- he is a hard to firm cheese all day. Aged Cheddar is an old and conservative cheese. There is nothing terribly special about aged cheddar, but it does have name recognition. It is also a limited cheese. For instance, put it on a Kobe beef slider and you have a delicious meal, but put it on some ground chuck and it's just a burger. Aged Cheddar just won't elevate the burger to that next level. Aged cheddar is also yellow, a color typically associated with cowardice (a trait typically associated with Richt's offensive philosophy).

Coach Diaz - Mature Gorgonzola. An Italian blue cheese with bite. This cheese is not for the soft-hearted, as it can sometimes sour. It is a dangerous cheese made by introducing little bit of mold to the process, placing the entire cheese at risk. But with great risk comes great reward. It also pairs well with a strong wine (just as Coach Diaz's defense has paired well with UM's whiny offense).

Coach Brown - Kraft Yellow American Cheese Slice. This flavorless, ill-textured, processed cheese is barely even cheese. By FDA standards, it is permitted to call itself a cheese because it is made of at least 51% real cheese. So, too, with Coach Brown, who is permitted to call himself an Offensive Coordinator, just barely.

Coach Dugans - Aged Spanish Manchego. This cheese has a distinctive flavor, but is not overpowering or pungent. Firm but supple, this is a cheese that comes to work.

Coach Searles - Flavored Cream Cheese. Also barely a cheese. Flavored Cream Cheese is among the most unhealthy cheeses for you. This sore-bought, processed, soft, spread cheese often contains aspartame, which, link the Canes' OL the last 3 years, has been linked with gastrointestinal problems.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Swiss Cheese came a close second, for obvious reasons associated with our OL play.

Coach J. Richt - Government Cheese. Cheese provided to welfare beneficiaries from WWII through the early 80s. It's free cheese, which should tell you everything you need to know about its quality. The costs associated with the storage of 250,000 tons of government cheese became a national source of public debate in the early 80s. One representative from the USDA remarked that, "Probably the cheapest and most practical thing would be to dump it in the ocean." Same with Jon.

Coach Hartley (aka "El Sicario Blanco") - Anejo Cheese. A sharp, spicy Mexican cheese. This white cheese is a strong one. However, when the this cheese is not aged properly, it crumbles and breaks into small pieces in the same manner as UM's coverage units.

Coach Rumph - Cottage Cheese. A hearty, healthy cheese. Not everyone likes the taste of cottage cheese - and it certainly isn't flashy - but you can't doubt it's good for you. Very low in sodium, this is not a salty cheese. Half a cup of cottage cheese contains 15g of protein. It's a cheese that builds muscle and makes you stronger.

Coach Banda - Baby Brie. Known as the Queen of Cheeses. Baby Brie is a soft cheese, but it is considered rich and creamy. It is also an aromatic cheese with character. However, this cheese does poorly with bacteria, and must be kept away from such harmful, foreign bodies, lest it spoil. As with Banda and the Judas Jobe, South Florida diva, the combination is distasteful on the palate.

Coach Simpson - Montery Jack. A mild, white cheese. Not an old world cheese, as it was invented here in the USA. Not an exciting cheese, but does its job of providing flavor. Time will tell what the future holds for this cheese, as even now varieties (like Spicy Jack) are popping up. Cautious optimism is warranted.

Coach Patke - Cheesestrings. More a snack made for children than an actual cheese. Most cheese connoisseurs will tell you this is not a cheese, and scoff at its inclusion in this list. Most Canes fans will also tell you Patke is not a coach, and has no business on a p5 staff, but what do we know.

Hope you enjoyed!
Entire offensive staff = Limburger. It stinks.
 
Joined
May 21, 2016
Messages
2,314
#16
Mark Richt is rancid moldy cheese that should have been thrown out long ago. Problem is, know-nothing AD's who don't know sh!t think he's a delicacy that gets better with age. Then, once he's in the fridge, no matter how bad he stinks up the house and makes everyone sick every time we take a bite, they're afraid to throw him away because of how much they paid for that "fine delicacy".

Jon Richt - Government Cheese. LO effin L. That one cannot be improved upon.
 
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Cane Dynasty

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Messages
19,633
#17
dick cheese
 
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#18
What is the cheese equivalent to Sex Panther? Thomas Brown is that. It offends the senses and, 60% of the time, it works every time. Fine print on the back says "Actual success rate may be much lower".

 
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