Al needs a lot more than a motivational speaker.
Donna Shalala: Hey, come on, you guys. This set me back a few bucks. Okay, his name is Al Golden. Now, he's been down in the basement eating pastelitos for about the last four hours, and he should be all ready to go. I'll call him up.
[ opens the basement door ] Al, we're ready for you!
[ turns to the kids ] His speech is called "Trending Up!" Now, he's used to big groups, so make him feel like there's a crowd here.
[ calls down the basement again ] AL! Come on up, buddy!
Al Golden:
[ runs up the stairs, bouncing back and forth as he talks ] Alright, how's everybody? Good! Good! Good! Now, as your President probably told you, my name is Al Golden, and I am a Motivational Speaker! Now, let's get started by me giving you a little bit of a scenario of what my life is all about! First off, I am 42 years old.. I am divorced.. and I lose to Duke! Now, you kids are probably saying to yourself, "Now, I'm gonna go out, and I'm gonna get the world by the tail, and wrap it around and put it in my pocket!!" Well, I'm here to tell you that you're probably gonna find out, as you go out there, that you're not gonna amount to Jack Squat!!" You're gonna end up eating a steady diet of government cheese, and losing to Duke! Now, young man, what do you want to do with your life?
Kevin Olsen:
[ nervous ] I.. actually, Al.. I kinda wanna be a quarterback...
Al Golden: We-e-e-elll.. la-de-freakin'-da! We've got ourselves a gunslinger here! [ jumps across the room ] Hey, Donna, I can't see real good....is that Johnny Unitas over there?
Shalala: Well, actually, Al.. Blake James and I have encouraged Kevin in his football playing.
Al Golden: Donna, I wish you could just shut your big yapper!
[ stumbles back across the room ] Now, I wonder.. Kevin, from what I've heard, you're using the pages in your playbook, not for learning plays, but for rolling doobies!! You're gonna be doing a lot of doobie-rolling when you're losing to Duke!
[ turns to Stacy ] Young man, what do you want to do with your life?!
Stacy Coley:
[ sarcastic ] I want to lose to Duke.
Al Golden: Well, you'll have plenty of time to lose to Duke when you're..
[ tries to be clever ] ..losing to Duke! Now, you kids are probably asking yourself, "Hey, Al, how can we get back on the right track?!" Well, as I see it, there is only one solution! And that is for me to get my gear, move it on into here, sign long *** contract extension 'cause I'm gonna bunk with you, buddy! We're gonna be buddies! We're gonna be pals!
[ picks Kevin up ] We're gonna wrassle around!
[ puts Kevin down ] Ol' Al's gonna be your shadow!
[ motions] Here's Al, here's you! There's Al, there's you!
[ trips and falls flat on the coffee table, sending it crashing to the floor ] Whoops-a-daisy!
[ stands up ] We're gonna have to clean that up later! Me and my buddies! My pals! My amigos! I'm gonna go get my gear!
[ heads for the door ]
