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I Hoe Hoe Hoe Hope all my Cane brothers and sisters had an awesome holiday season so far, but it’s time to wipe the cookie crumbs off of your pajamas that you embarassingly wore to shut your wives up in hopes of an unenthusiastic handjob, grab those vials from the back of the fridge, and find the nearest vein that isn’t clogged up with gravy
One last ride of JHall and his Bench Press Immortals
The 2023 season started off with a ton of promise. We jumped out the gates hotter than a Sydney Sweeney Bang Bus audition, but like most of y’alls last sexual experience, it ended with a lot of tears, excuses, and promises that it would never happen again
Somehow, thanks to the money hungry Bowl Commission we still managed to score an invitation so people can watch us one more time, just in case Mario’s coaching this year wasn’t quite torture enough
Rutgers
Seriously. I hope for all your sakes you’ve never seen this place or had to have any kind of connection flights through Newark, New Jersey. People in Flint, Michigan are like ya know what…at least we don’t live in Newark. There’s children in Africa that send their donations to Newark. At least it’s sunny in Africa.
And of course, in typical Miami Hurricane fashion, there’s someone on the other team with a direct link to us that makes a loss even more excruciating. Mr Chop Wood himself, Greg Schiano. He’s essentially Mario with an NFL resume. I made the comment before but these guys both probably ******* with sandpaper.
This game might not mean anything to a lot of fans, but it matters to the players, and for that reason I think Miami makes the trip up North and trashes these dudes and here’s why:
A QB Not Named TVD: That’s it. Anyone but TVD is a better option for this game. Schiano would have donned a stained wife beater, pounded 12 Busch Lights, and abused TVD in typical North Jersey fashion. Brown at least gives us an added element that the Rutgers defense has to account for, and that will be enough
Fletcher: One of the big bright spots of the season, the freshman emerged. Both head coaches will be angry *********ing to highlights of Student Body Right in preparation for this game and the desire to control the LOS will trump any logical decisions necessary. Fletcher will be Mario’s flagship
Kiko: Built for a game like this. He’s going to be splitting gaps like Johnny Sins. Rutgers has absolutely zero offensive creativity other than just abusively running the football, which plays into our strengths. Kiko will have a big game
Bain: Probably the biggest star on the team this season, and even crazier it was as a freshman. I haven’t seen a teenager accumulate a more impressive body count since Traci Lords. The time off will allow him to rest up and recover and start his campaign for All American status next season
Guidry: Looks like he’s back which makes him one of the most important recruits of the 2024 season. Now he’s up against a team so dead set on running the ball that it defies logic. Run the ball you say?
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Isaiah Horton: Here’s my wildcard for this game. Horton struggled to acclimate himself this year but his talent is obvious. Losing Young was a blow to the roster, but I think Horton is a superior player. Let’s see if he can close out the season with a big game and get the ball rolling for next year
Verdict:
The Tuff and Fizical Bowl. Two coaches that think it’s more important to impose your will on the other team than it is winning a game. Good news for us is as more Tuff and more Fizical than they are
Get off the plane, kick their ***, go home
It’s been a long season full of ups and downs but let’s end this **** on a high note and get 2024 off strong
Good guys 20
Bad Guys 10
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