- Jan 24, 2019
It’s Florida State week. The 12th ranked Hurricanes host the clown shoes program from Tallahassee.
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We started the year unranked, and now after 2 wins we are 12th. College football is weird. And like sands through the hour-glass, a hot start in Coral Gables means people in the national media are starting to write “iZ dA ewE bACk?” articles. These things are so stupid. I haven’t even read them, but I guarantee they make dumbass 80s and 90s references because it’s been so long since we were good. Like 2001 didn’t happen. Like we weren’t ranked in the top 10 throughout each season until 2006 after that. Like 2017 didn’t happen. Let alone the fact that these dumbass articles have been written a million times over and always end with the same conclusion. We won’t be back until we win another title.
Whatever. Don’t pay any attention to positive press, because they will be the first people to **** on us when we lose a game or 2. Just be glad that it’s helping our national perception after the way last year ended. The only reason the media is hyping us up is because they need marquee names while the Big 10 and SEC haven’t started playing. They expect us to lose to Clemson and they just want a high ranked matchup so they can discard us later.
Enough of my bitching. This is a rivalry game. Rivalries are about hate. This is hate week. Here’s this week’s anthem.
1. Where they are in the standings/rankings:
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it's crazy to see the divisions gone and Notre Dame listed among us. And it feels pretty damn good to see us ranked and near the top of the standings, while FSU is unranked and near the bottom. That’s what happens when you lose your season opener against the team picked to finish last in the conference. Still, we need to stay focused because we can’t overlook this cupcake on our schedule and get caught looking ahead to Clemson. Here's what the Jackets said about them:
From: From the Rumble Seat
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It was a sad day in Noleville. Here's what the game looked like:
Sucks to suck.
2. What happened the last time Miami played FSU?
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From the AP:
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Poor Willie got fired after this game. Now he’s at FAU (Salute the Hoot), and they still owe him ~$17 million on his buyout. We dominated these dopes all day long last year. Gregory Rousseau had approximately eleventy-billion sacks that day. We haven’t had as much success at getting to the qb so far this year, but their OL is still butt cheese so this week should be food for our defense. What a shitshow these guys are. **** FSU. 4 in a row soon come.
3. Who to be scared of:
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This fat tub of goo is FSU’s best player. He’s gotten more attention for running his mouth off the field than anything he’s actually accomplished on it. Whether he’s calling out Greg Rousseau for quitting on his team, or calling out his head coach for being a liar, he can’t help but attract attention. He’s also pretty damn good. Below are his highlights from 2019, but that’s just what I’m told because our horrible OL from last year put him on a milk carton.
4. Player that will score against us:
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Terry is by far the biggest (and probably only) person to worry about on offense. He got loose against us in 2018, but Bandy and Ivey teamed up to make him a non-factor last year. His biggest claim to fame is his stupid Scary Terry mask.
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Just the epitome of cringe. Hopefully we have something better for him than making Bolden do everything. Here’s his highlights from last year.
5. Some other guy:
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Asante Samuel, Jr.
I really wanted him when he came out of St. Thomas Aquinas a few years ago, and he’s developed into damn good college corner for FSU. He’s just another in a long line of misses at corner for us over the past 5 years. Oh well. None of our receivers are that dangerous, so I expect him to do a good job locking up whoever he lines up against. He might even be tasked with covering Jordan. He already has 2 picks this year from their only game. Here’s his highlights from last year.
Requested by the man himself!*I do not own anything in this video, simply for entertainment*Samuel was very consistent. His coverage was good, but even if so...www.youtube.com
6. Person that will piss you off:
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This guy’s greatest accomplishment is having his leg used as an air guitar by Kendrick Norton. He sucks as a player and as a person. For one, he nearly sparked a brawl in 2018 when he stood over an injured Jeff Thomas after a dirty tackle. Then he tried to pick a fight after that game and ran away scared when Gerald Willis showed up.
**** him, he has no highlights.
7. If FSU were an episode of Community, they would be:
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Episode 605: Laws of Robotics & Party Rights
Circumventing rules on crowd size? -Check
Prominent person teleconferencing said event via tablet? -Check again
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So FSU students ignored Covid precautions last week against Georgia Tech. This week 21% of students and staff tested positive. Their head coach has tested positive for the ‘Rona, but I’m sure it’s just a coincidence. Now he’ll be coaching from home via his Toshiba Handibook, because their school is too broke to afford iPads. Congratulations, FSU, you’ve only played 1 game and still Britta’d your season already. FSU is the worst.
Now that I think about it, between Scary Terry and this, FSU is basically Dan Harmon’s greatest hits. If FSU ever gets rid of their racist mascot and logo, they should just go ahead and become the Greendale Human Beings.
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I must say that logo is already pretty apt.
8. Official Internet meme for this game:
Frustrated Florida State Dad
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Holy crap, GG Allin. I am sure there are very few on this board who know much about that piece of work!!!!