- Joined
- Jan 27, 2012
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- 18,148
Ladies, gents, and baby dolls -
We came in rivals, but we left as friends.
Miami and Florida fans alike got some white hot, burn-after-reading intel on Saturday afternoon! After a fall camp on Greentree with less leaks than the Pentagon, we finally have an idea how Miami football will look when it suits up for the 2024 season opener vs Florida A&M this weekend.
This is all because the SEC’s own University of Florida, dripping with apathy and benevolence, let Miami take over their vacant field and their **** soaked bleachers for an entire afternoon, just so the common fan could watch the 3rd scrimmage of fall camp. I hate to say it, but Billy Napier is a saint! His half a hundred thousand followers deserve financial compensation for donating 3.5 hours of pit staining agony, just so we could create a game like environment before the season begins on September 6th. Cam Ward was crisp but not perfect, completing passes to a statistically improbable 10 different receivers, which would never happen in a real game. The first team offense generated an unrealistic 7.7 yards per play, which I believe is slightly less radiation than the Bikini Atoll received during nuclear testing in WWII. The defense was fairly effective as well, limiting the lethally efficient Graham Mertz to 91 yards and a beautifully symmetrical 19.1 QBR. Not everything was so pretty on D though, as lazy bones Jaden Harris didn’t even bother to get off his back for an interception. Again, these are not things that happen “when the bullets start flying for real.”
Cam Ward had a white no contact jersey on, which was a poor color choice but UF defenders still respected it. His teammate Cam McCormick (no relation) might as well have been Jeremy Shockey. As he broke the plane for the first TD of the practice, my mind thought it was more plausible that Lou Hedley was lined up at TE than Cripple Cam. Nevertheless, you gators let him have a special moment. For me that TD will always be the “reverse flop”, and I shed a tear for old man Cam, thinking about how he felt after playing in both games.
The practice was fairly low energy and of such middling importance that Miami rested Freshman All American Ruben Bain after one or two series. When asked why Bain sat out, Mario Cristobal said, “He got nicked, could’ve played, but didn’t make sense to risk an injury before the season starts.” This made sense, since most of Florida’s DL rested the entire game, presumably to save their energy for Samford. As a show of sportsmanship, Miami WRs participated in more Gator Chomps than the entire 45000 prisoners of fate who stumbled in and out of that lawn mower derby track you willingly call “The Swamp”. (I admire the pride you have in your home. It reminds me of the uncle I have who brags about the DUI that led to his divorce, and how his truck is all the inheritance his kids will receive. If he gets it running again.)
Our head coach even got in on the chomping action:
Not gonna lie, it’s a cool move to do once your wrists get tired from turning down the U for one quarter.
So Gator nation, thank you so much for hosting this scrimmage and giving us real hopes for a special year in Coral Gables. I’m getting teary as I type this, but if you only knew how many blurry 35 second clips we will get out of these practice reps, you’d have charged us to play. As a show of appreciation, here are some things we gave you:
One final gift from me: take things less seriously. Let go of what you can’t control. This was a scrimmage, and I heard a woman who’s been to UF games for 40 years say it was “the most embarrassing game wearing orange and blue” of her life. I’m like wow, how about you face real problems hunny, like inflation or potholes. The “score” was 41-17, anyone who watches spring games knows the totals in scrimmages aren’t real. They give points for touch sacks and best farts and stuff. I’m pretty sure Miami got 5 points just because Meesh Powell had more INT return yards than First Team All-Divine and Shifty Trey Wilson had receiving yards. The halftime was so fake that X had to remind Cam to go to the locker room.
So take it easy lady, you have a whole season ahead of you. A long, 26 million dollar season, full of highs and lows. Don't get upset because of a little scrimmage.
We came in rivals, but we left as friends.
Miami and Florida fans alike got some white hot, burn-after-reading intel on Saturday afternoon! After a fall camp on Greentree with less leaks than the Pentagon, we finally have an idea how Miami football will look when it suits up for the 2024 season opener vs Florida A&M this weekend.
This is all because the SEC’s own University of Florida, dripping with apathy and benevolence, let Miami take over their vacant field and their **** soaked bleachers for an entire afternoon, just so the common fan could watch the 3rd scrimmage of fall camp. I hate to say it, but Billy Napier is a saint! His half a hundred thousand followers deserve financial compensation for donating 3.5 hours of pit staining agony, just so we could create a game like environment before the season begins on September 6th. Cam Ward was crisp but not perfect, completing passes to a statistically improbable 10 different receivers, which would never happen in a real game. The first team offense generated an unrealistic 7.7 yards per play, which I believe is slightly less radiation than the Bikini Atoll received during nuclear testing in WWII. The defense was fairly effective as well, limiting the lethally efficient Graham Mertz to 91 yards and a beautifully symmetrical 19.1 QBR. Not everything was so pretty on D though, as lazy bones Jaden Harris didn’t even bother to get off his back for an interception. Again, these are not things that happen “when the bullets start flying for real.”
Cam Ward had a white no contact jersey on, which was a poor color choice but UF defenders still respected it. His teammate Cam McCormick (no relation) might as well have been Jeremy Shockey. As he broke the plane for the first TD of the practice, my mind thought it was more plausible that Lou Hedley was lined up at TE than Cripple Cam. Nevertheless, you gators let him have a special moment. For me that TD will always be the “reverse flop”, and I shed a tear for old man Cam, thinking about how he felt after playing in both games.
The practice was fairly low energy and of such middling importance that Miami rested Freshman All American Ruben Bain after one or two series. When asked why Bain sat out, Mario Cristobal said, “He got nicked, could’ve played, but didn’t make sense to risk an injury before the season starts.” This made sense, since most of Florida’s DL rested the entire game, presumably to save their energy for Samford. As a show of sportsmanship, Miami WRs participated in more Gator Chomps than the entire 45000 prisoners of fate who stumbled in and out of that lawn mower derby track you willingly call “The Swamp”. (I admire the pride you have in your home. It reminds me of the uncle I have who brags about the DUI that led to his divorce, and how his truck is all the inheritance his kids will receive. If he gets it running again.)
Our head coach even got in on the chomping action:
Not gonna lie, it’s a cool move to do once your wrists get tired from turning down the U for one quarter.
So Gator nation, thank you so much for hosting this scrimmage and giving us real hopes for a special year in Coral Gables. I’m getting teary as I type this, but if you only knew how many blurry 35 second clips we will get out of these practice reps, you’d have charged us to play. As a show of appreciation, here are some things we gave you:
- Cam Ward gave the 45000 fans who braved the heat some tips on when to be loud.
- We gave your worser QB a concussion.
- We gave your second, not as worser QB his first game reps.
- We gave your assistant AD Tourette’s.
- We gave Jason Marshall credits for his Arborist class.
- We gave you more coverage on Twitter, YouTube and ESPN than the last 2 years combined:
One final gift from me: take things less seriously. Let go of what you can’t control. This was a scrimmage, and I heard a woman who’s been to UF games for 40 years say it was “the most embarrassing game wearing orange and blue” of her life. I’m like wow, how about you face real problems hunny, like inflation or potholes. The “score” was 41-17, anyone who watches spring games knows the totals in scrimmages aren’t real. They give points for touch sacks and best farts and stuff. I’m pretty sure Miami got 5 points just because Meesh Powell had more INT return yards than First Team All-Divine and Shifty Trey Wilson had receiving yards. The halftime was so fake that X had to remind Cam to go to the locker room.
So take it easy lady, you have a whole season ahead of you. A long, 26 million dollar season, full of highs and lows. Don't get upset because of a little scrimmage.
