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Carrying on the rich tradition of [MENTION=462]Dan E. Dangerously[/MENTION] et al, we take a detailed (and slightly nihilistic) look at Miami's season opener against the dreaded Wildcats of Bethune-Cookman University:
What: UM vs. BCCCCCP (MEAC)
When: 12:30 PM
Where: Hard Rock Stadium, Miami (FL)
TV: Lu's hacked FCC tower signal at 38000 feet
Bethune-Cookman By The Numbers:
4-6 in 2016 (4-4 MEAC)
2016 Offense -
25.2 ppg
147 rushing yards/game
184 passing yards/game
BCC's offense is led by this happy fellow -
Larry Brihm, redshirt senior and Gryffindor seeker from Delray Beach.
In 2016 he started 8 games and then got hurt. Put up 1300 yards and 11 TDs. Ran 68 times for a net 96 total yards... The N'Kosi Perry of dual-threat quarterbacks. Brihm is 5'11, 209 pounds so look for BCC to run a lot of hook-and-ladder plays so he can see over his OL.
At RB, BCC runs by committee with a pair of seniors in Cameron Rigby and Jamaruz Thompson. But the real story here is Sophomore Tupac Isme. Not kidding. They have a running back (#8) named Tupac Is Me.
Described in the official BCC Athletics website as "a favorite of Wildcat supporters." Look for him to be Str8Ballin all game long until campus police tragically gun him down in the 3rd quarter.
Fun fact: The offensive playbook for BCC is led by a man who can only be described as "what would happen if Alec Baldwin ate Jimmy Johnson", coach Jim Pry:
Defensively, opponents averaged 174 yards of rushing per game against the Wildcats in 2016, but it's okay because they also allowed 176 yards passing per game. As a Socialist Utopia University, BCC evened everything out by allowing exactly as many points last year as they scored - 25.2.
The Wildcat defense is led by safety Diquan Richardson, who led the team in tackles and INTs last year, and also blocked a kick:
Diquan, or "Bloated Stephen Morris", was All-MEAC in 2016 and looks to add to this total in 2017. Diquan has been quoted as hoping to bulk up on the Jelani Hamilton Good Humor Diet, since the BCC website lists him at a whopping 167 lbs.
Prediction:
I expect Miami to run the ball 35+ times. Walton should be over 100 yards by the end of the 1st quarter. In the passing game, we're probably going to run all of 3 plays - screen left, screen right, 4-verts - and call it a day. Rosier might miss a few to shake off the jitters but should finish above his 52ish% completion rate. We should be up by 35 at the half and be able to sub in Sebastian and Headset Guy by the end of the 3rd quarter.
Hopefully we'll see lots of this:
And this:
And this:
Maybe even some of this:
Shouldn't have to rely on this:
So by the end of the game we'll all just be enjoying this:
Hot Takes:
- Jeff Thomas will have as many receptions as TDs...or more.
- Trayone Gray will be our 2nd leading rusher
- A late BCC field goal will send Shaquille Quarterman into a frenzy, causing him to reach Super Saiyan Level 5 and bite the leg off of Michael Pinckney. SMD later reports Pinckney pedaling vigorously with his working leg.
Final Score: Miami 63, BCC 3
What: UM vs. BCCCCCP (MEAC)
When: 12:30 PM
Where: Hard Rock Stadium, Miami (FL)
TV: Lu's hacked FCC tower signal at 38000 feet
Bethune-Cookman By The Numbers:
4-6 in 2016 (4-4 MEAC)
2016 Offense -
25.2 ppg
147 rushing yards/game
184 passing yards/game
BCC's offense is led by this happy fellow -
Larry Brihm, redshirt senior and Gryffindor seeker from Delray Beach.
In 2016 he started 8 games and then got hurt. Put up 1300 yards and 11 TDs. Ran 68 times for a net 96 total yards... The N'Kosi Perry of dual-threat quarterbacks. Brihm is 5'11, 209 pounds so look for BCC to run a lot of hook-and-ladder plays so he can see over his OL.
At RB, BCC runs by committee with a pair of seniors in Cameron Rigby and Jamaruz Thompson. But the real story here is Sophomore Tupac Isme. Not kidding. They have a running back (#8) named Tupac Is Me.
Described in the official BCC Athletics website as "a favorite of Wildcat supporters." Look for him to be Str8Ballin all game long until campus police tragically gun him down in the 3rd quarter.
Fun fact: The offensive playbook for BCC is led by a man who can only be described as "what would happen if Alec Baldwin ate Jimmy Johnson", coach Jim Pry:
Defensively, opponents averaged 174 yards of rushing per game against the Wildcats in 2016, but it's okay because they also allowed 176 yards passing per game. As a Socialist Utopia University, BCC evened everything out by allowing exactly as many points last year as they scored - 25.2.
The Wildcat defense is led by safety Diquan Richardson, who led the team in tackles and INTs last year, and also blocked a kick:
Diquan, or "Bloated Stephen Morris", was All-MEAC in 2016 and looks to add to this total in 2017. Diquan has been quoted as hoping to bulk up on the Jelani Hamilton Good Humor Diet, since the BCC website lists him at a whopping 167 lbs.
Prediction:
I expect Miami to run the ball 35+ times. Walton should be over 100 yards by the end of the 1st quarter. In the passing game, we're probably going to run all of 3 plays - screen left, screen right, 4-verts - and call it a day. Rosier might miss a few to shake off the jitters but should finish above his 52ish% completion rate. We should be up by 35 at the half and be able to sub in Sebastian and Headset Guy by the end of the 3rd quarter.
Hopefully we'll see lots of this:
And this:
And this:
Maybe even some of this:
Shouldn't have to rely on this:
So by the end of the game we'll all just be enjoying this:
Hot Takes:
- Jeff Thomas will have as many receptions as TDs...or more.
- Trayone Gray will be our 2nd leading rusher
- A late BCC field goal will send Shaquille Quarterman into a frenzy, causing him to reach Super Saiyan Level 5 and bite the leg off of Michael Pinckney. SMD later reports Pinckney pedaling vigorously with his working leg.
Final Score: Miami 63, BCC 3
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