It is absolutely preposterous that this is what they are doing for a self punishment, and it is equally predictable that ESPN is so in bed with the SEC that it is a nonstory.
NCAA would setup satellite office on greentree, take over program, move down to DIII, and flag Carter for targeting.
WhatNCAA would officially change Sebastian into a duck, declare a player on every team for the last 30 and next 20 years ineligible, take one of Lauryn Williams' Olympic medals (but just one, so she's a medalist, but not the first/only female medalist in both the summer and winter games), rescind a few of our titles in gold and diving, remove any record of "ice cold water" from Elephant Man's call at baseball games, piss on the graves of Ron Fraser and Schnelly, declare Bobby Bowden permanent head of the NCAA (even after death), and kick every living alumni right in the dick or pussy, toes up.
I’d still be illegally streaming “the nocho”“If this was Miami”, the NCAA would:
- Convene an emergency meeting of Florida, Florida State, and the SEC East in order to apportion all future D1 caliber athletes in South Florida, and forbid UM staff from visiting any high school campuses in Dade, Broward or Palm Beach counties “out of an abundance of precaution”.
- The ACC would kick us out of the conference because, “(1) said institution’s rowdy behavior no longer conforms to the shape of our upturned noses, and (2) it refuses to drink our urine in keeping with a confederacy of the truly satisfied”.
- We would be forced to join a new conference overseen by the US Department of Defense, with teams made up of biochemically enhanced “future soldiers” and the practice squads of NFL playoff teams. (Playing in any of these games renders an athlete immediately ineligible.)
- ESPN would create a new channel called ESPN (-), AKA “ESPN the Nocho”, which would become the only authorized carrier for Miami Hurricanes athletics. Between games it will show highlights of Miami’s Golden Era (Al Golden), championships (only the losses), a reality show based on pre-Schnelly Suntan U, a night show where SMD interviews clones of SMD, and a conspiracy show that debates the existence of Derrick Griffin and Julian DeRosier. A subscription to the Nocho is available by lifetime package only ($52000), must run through a dial up modem, and of course has no TV provider would be willing to carry it.
- The OB would be rebuilt and turned into a habitat for Florida gators.
- Working for Miami in any sport will require the coach agree to enter into an “futuristic organ donation plan” that randomly selects a lucky winner at halftime.
- Shalala named Czar of The Miami Sports Stuff.