My name is.......
Dan Enos
"Where the f'uck is Dan" is what my former boss yelled out, days after I told him that I was leaving and to f'uck off. By him asking for my whereabouts days later, I guess he didnt think I was really leaving. In his mind, he could not fathom that I would turn down his offer of being the OC at Alabama. I guess he forgot about my unconventional track record. I am the guy that left a head coaching gig to be the OC at lower tier SEC school. I then left said school to become a QB coach at another SEC school, that was in the same division as the one that I left; pretty unconventional, right?
In 2016, experts say that Alabama arguably had one of the best defensive teams in college football history. That year, they were #1 in scoring defense, #1 in rushing defense, and tied for #1 in total defense. Sounds good, right? I put up 30 points on that ***, second only to Mississippi that season. I did that s'hit at Arkansas! I am known amongst my peers to have one of the best offensive minds in all of college football. Now, I am the OC at The University of Miami, in which I now have more offensive talent at my disposal than I have ever had at any point of my career as a HC or and OC. So to answer the question, "where the f'uck is Dan", the world will find out on August, 24th.
QBU
I was first introduced to the world in the 80's when Miami had a team that was comprised of Jim Kelly, Bernie Kosar, and Vinny Testaverde....all on the same **** team; hince the title of QBU. Miami later produced Heisman trophy winner, Gino Torretta and Maxwell Trophy winner, Ken Dorsey. Since 2002, there's been several teams that have tried to label themselves as QBU. I can tell you that I only belong to one team, and that's the University of Miami. I am now in the hands of freshman, Jarren Williams. Am I worried? **** nah!! This kid is going to have a **** of a coming out party in a few days!
Jeff Thomas
I was one of the top WR recruits in the country for the 2018 class. That year, I made my elite peers look silly during the Under Armour All-American game. It's like I was the featured player in my own video game. I chose to take my talents to Miami. Unfortunately, for the past two years, I was in an offensive system that didn't allow my talents to be showcased. The frustrations ultimately resulted in me leaving the university. My world was turned upside down for a few months. I was about to end up at the University of Illinois. Yep, you heard that right, Illinois! Then, my prayers were answered. Mark Richt retired, Manny Diaz was hired, and guess what.....
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Miami Offense
I have been missing for the past 15 or so years; give or take a couple of "way too f'ucking longs"
What if I told you that I once fielded a unit that had Kellen Winslow Jr., Frank Gore, and Willis Mcgahee.........all as backups! Would you believe me? That s'hit actually happened! I once put up 65 points on the #12 team in the country. The head coach of that team is still butthurt over that game in which until this year, he had not coach a game in over 8 years. My savagery forced Rick Neuheisel into retirement. My high standard and high expectations, later forced my own coach, Mark Richt, into retirement as well. This year, I will make my return to my rightful place,.....at The top of the college football world!
Scott Patchan
I was a 4 star recruit in the 2015 class, according to Rivals and ESPN. My father won 2 titles at Miami and yet I have a dumbazz brother that chose to be a gaytor. I am the son that made my father proud by signing with Miami. Since my arrival at Coral Gables, my career has been riddled with injuries, but for the first time since my arrival to Miami, I am now 100% healthy. I have two years left at Miami to carry on the family name in an honorable way. It starts with a nice dinner of gaytor *** on Saturday night!
TEU
Just like QBU, many teams have tried to stake a claim for me, but there is only one home that I belong to. Jeremy Shockey, Bubba Franks, Greg Olsen, Kellen Winslow Jr., Jimmy Graham.......That's a who's who of TE's and they all came from the same **** school, which is my school,...Miami!!! I actually left a first rounder off the list, David Njoku. That's when you know you are TEU, when you can leave first rounders off your list of who's who!
Listen people, what I am about to say will shock you, so you might want to sit your *** down. I am now in the hands of two studs, that when all is said and done, may end up just as good or better than anyone on our unbelievable list of who's who.
Brevin Jordan and Will Mallory are just that talented. They're that deal, and Enos has just the system for these stallions! I am TEU, and the world will be reminded of who I am on the 24th!
Trevon Hill
You last saw me as a Hokie. I know, don't judge me! I am now a Cane! I made the world aware of who I am when I put Frenchy on his f'ucking back several times last year, during the first game of the season. I was on my way to being a potential first round pick, but I was later dismissed from the team. The dismissal and embarrassment matured me. It humbled me. It made me even more hungry. You thought you knew who I am, but you don't know s'hit. Saturday, you will find out!
Manny Diaz
I am a former Temple Owl! LMAO, that s'hit is just funny, and I am the one that lived through that madness. I am known to be a innovative DC, with the swag and confidence of Lexington Steele and Ron Jeremy walking into an all female prison; B'itches be horny, and I be slanging! I am now the HC at my dream school, Miami. Many have wondered if I will tone it down, now that I am a first time HC. Well, let's look at what I've done since Blake introduced me as the HNIC....
1. I stole Enos right from under Nick Satan's nose. "Where the **** is Dan?" I caused that s'hit! F'uck you Saban!
2. My predecessor ran our most elite playmaker off the team last year. I brought him back! Lubby Smith, you didnt really think Jeff would end up in Illinois, did you? Oh, you did? Sorry, not sorry!
3. I, along with my staff crashed a Nike event wearing all Adidas gear, in which we proceeded to give F$U and nice "f'uck you" by throwing a party during their coaching session/clinic for high school coaches. I wasn't going to say anything, but two of their primary position coaches were right outside our party like.....
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4. I recently told a bunch of elite high school recruits that attended my camp, "you can either come to Miami, or you can get you *** beat by Miami!"
5. My other HC peers in the college world, promised the starting QB gig to their high profile QB transfers, before the QB's even stepped foot on campus. I am starting a freshman over my high profile QB transfer.
I am not here to make friends or to be liked, I am here to f'ucking win!!!
Miami Savagery
I once showed up to a bowl game's "sportsmanship dinner" wearing Army fatigues, in which I refused to eat dinner with my opponent. The NCAA changed their rules because of me. When I hit you, I like to dance like Luke Booty Dancers in the 90's, or like Cardi B before someone put a mic in her hands! I am the ma****er that called the captain of my opponent a "b'itch" on National TV, during the **** coin toss. After catching a touchdown, I ran up a **** tunnel, came back and "fake shot" anything in my path,....killing 2 Texas Longhorn fans, 3 mosquitoes, and 1 ball boy! In an interview, during a very sensitive time, while our country was at war, I once yelled "I'm a f'ucking soldier!" It was a very dumb thing to say, but when have I ever been known for political correctness? Manny Diaz called me and told me that I was welcomed back on the team and as a good show of good faith, he let me attend the crashing of that Nike event in Orlando. I am back and more unapologetic as ever. First up? Gator ***!!
The U
I don't need a **** introduction! To take a play out of Kevin Durant's playbook...."I'm The U, you know who I am"
