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Coming at a Cane for going after a Clem's Son Tiger? You need church.

Let's be real. OP's been getting his **** pushed in since his first night with his teenaged mother's alcoholic boyfriend's 21st birthday at Applebees. The chance of any sized ***** making him cry is slimmer than the chance he has his own room in mom's new boyfriend's doublewide.

That's 3 things. Judging by the way you count, the Clemson Tiger part seems to check out.