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This is the softest man alive.

When you're at Waffle House, it's the most alive you'll ever be.

Well, it's tricky. In calories, sure. But you'd have to eat something else to moderate the carb intake that would result in diabetes in a day. And you can't go to Waffle House without getting some hash browns.

You have an endless supply of food, with plenty of variety, a bathroom, all the coffee you can drink and the best free entertainment in the world. This is easier than sitting on your couch for 24 hours and trying to find something to watch on Netflix.

As a person who lives in a place without Waffle House, why on earth would you want to decrease your time in a Waffle House? This isn't punishment, it's my retirement plan.