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I saw a chick stick a pencil up her *** once. Had another in the same town tell me to stick a cucumber up hers. Conclusion: Maybe OP is from Clearwater.

OP's like one of those holy roller televangeists who bags on *** people only for it to come out somehow that he's been hiring underaged male prostitutes to smoke crack and engage in other acts with him in seedy motel rooms for the last decade...