Fare Thee Well, Al Golden...We Hardly Knew Ye.

Fare Thee Well, Al Golden...We Hardly Knew Ye.

Dan E. Dangerously
Dan E. Dangerously
This is where we give remembrance to our dearly departed coRch.




Some guy once said it's not nice to kick a man when he's down. **** that guy.

We gather here on this glorious day to mourn not just the Al Golden error of 2011-2015, but to the trusting of our training as well. In the front row I can see @CutlerRidgeLaz, @Franklinaire, @HurricaneStiz, @JoyTaylorTalks, @JoeRoseShow, @ByTimReynolds, and several other #CanesHam dignitaries. We wish to extend our deepest and most heartfelt condolences to you in this time of sorrow. Real quick, what plans do you have for this shirt now?



There's probably a janitor at some stripper booth place that could find some use for it. You guys were some of Al Golden's most ardent defenders/apologists over the past two years, while also being the biggest, stupidest, most condescending douchebags in the process. The planet would be a much better place if you all faded away from existence.


[video=youtube;gUC81pNieXc]www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUC81pNieXc[/video]


As good as that just felt, I can't sit here and pretend I wasn't a big Golden supporter early on, and so were 99.9999% of the rest of you. To say I despise Al Golden would be an understatement to be sure. However, when the likes of Luther Campbell, Jason Whitlock, Warren Sapp, or Omar Kelly trashed him in the early days we attacked them, and defended Al like he was our dad. We excused all of their criticisms away because we wanted to believe in him. What we believed in turned out to be nothing more than a mirage, just like the sham of a job he did during his tenure here. Hell, I was one of his biggest cheerleaders at one point. Go back and read what I was saying about him here and here. That was midway through the 2013 season. As a fanbase we went from saying this about him:




To saying this:





That 180 degree turn happened within a year's time. We have a dedicated fanbase, like the fine folks over at the wEz, to thank for that. But one person in particular did all the heavy lifting in this, and that is Vishnu motherfucking Parasuraman. His weekly use of silly things like "facts" and "data" and "logic" were our only defense against the idiocy coming from the Hecht Center over the past 5 years. If not for them calling a spade a spade 24/7, we'd all still be debating whether or not Dorito should be fired. Whatever. What's done is done. Let's look back at the low-lights of Golden's tenure.

Talented Bullshitter



Since the day he was hired, Golden was a walking, talking, quote machine. From "uphold the legacy" to "are you kidding me?" to every other worthless slogan that dripped out of his sorry mouth. Who could forget everyone's favorite Goldenism, "The Cloud."




The most shameful of his lame buzzwords/catchphrases was the leadership and "no me guys" nonsense that was perpetrated before this season. Golden tried pass on the idea that leadership on this year's team was so much better, that the losses of upperclassmen to the NFL would easily be overcome. That's not just an attack on a college player's character, but it's an excuse for last season's collapse. He passed the buck on the tailspin at the end of the 2014 season by saying Duke Johnson, Ereck Flowers, Denzel Perryman, Clive Walford, Anthony Chickillo, Ladarius Gunter, and Phillip Dorsett were selfish, "me guys." It wasn't just pathetic for him to do it, it was patently absurd. Those players gave everything they had while they played here. Al Golden isn't man enough to take any real blame for his shittyness. It's a mortal lock that whenever he gets another job, he's going to play the "woe is me, I stuck with them through Shapiro and this is the thanks I get" card to the media. **** him.

He was putting on a front his whole time here, as though he read a self help book on how to run a top program and followed it step by step. Which as it turns out, was just an audition for the job at his alma mater...the only place he was ever interested in from the beginning. Unfortunately for us, our school's administration was the only one dumb enough to give him the job...while the pederast cult he got a degree from saw through everything about him. He went AWOL for about a week following the 2013 season to beg for that job, and they still told him to kick rocks. That's how much he sucked. He followed that whole debacle with this horrible press conference, where he went on and on about how we were "trending upward."


[video=youtube;z-NC8qtuGOw]www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-NC8qtuGOw[/video]


Look how depressed he was that he didn't get that job and had to slum it here with the rest of us. **** him.


Recruiting Failures

We should have known he would be a disappointment when he failed to keep Teddy Bridgewater in the fold. That was the first sign he wasn't cut out for this job. We just pretended like Bridgewater was some spoiled recruit. That "upward trend" of losing top priority local recruits at need positions continued over the years. Off the top of my head the list includes; Amari Cooper, Alex Collins, Mathew Thomas, Denver Kirkland, Keith Bryant, Jaynard Bostwick, Sony Michel, Ermon Lane, Dalvin Cook, Travis Rudolph, Brandon Powell, Carlton Davis, Davante Davis, Da'Vante Phillips, Torrance Gibson, Jordan Scarlett, Jordan Cronkrite, Antonio Calloway, Dwayne Lawson, Dexter Williams, Calvin Ridley, Shawn Burgess-Becker, and Tim fucking Irvin (yeah, that guy's nephew). That's the Florida players in just a 4 year stretch. He slow-played guys like James Burgess, Jr. and Skai Moore while they go on to stardom at Louisville and South Carolina respectively.

Connecting to South Florida recruits and changing their minds was the real problem. Every recruiting cycle a local star gave him the gas face and we see them starring at other schools each Saturday. **** him.


Horrible Defense



To think back at the loyalty he showed to his incompetent, half-wit buddy is downright shameful. I forgot what it looks like to have an aggressive defense. A defense where our linemen are allowed to attack, penetrate, and wreak havoc in the backfield. A defense where linebackers have some semblance of a clue of what's going on around them when they drop back to defend the pass. And finally, I long for the days where our defensive backs are allowed to get into a wide receiver's face, jam them at the line of scrimmage, and force them to earn their way to get open. The thing is 2-gapping defensive fronts can and do work in college. Alabama and FSU are examples of that over the past 5 years. But our's seems to encourage defensive linemen to play patty cake with offensive guards, linebackers standing around in space trying to cover slot receivers, and corners that give wide outs 10 yards of cushion on 3rd and 3. We recruit insanely gifted highschool pass rushers like McCord and Muhammed, then ask them to cover receivers in open space.





The Record

Here's the list of Golden's accomplishments in his time spent in Coral Gables from 2011-2015:


  • 32-25 record in 4.5 seasons.
  • 1 failed attempt to use this job as a stepping stone to Penn State.
  • A record of 0-9 against teams who finished the season ranked (soon to grow).
  • Only 3 victories against teams with 8 or more wins (Georgia Tech 2011, Duke and Cincinnati 2014).
  • Zero National titles.
  • Zero ACC titles.
  • Zero Division titles.
  • Zero Bowl wins.
  • Zero wins against Florida State.
  • 1 loss to Duke (seriously, you lost to Duke)
  • 1 loss to Cincinnati (not the Bengals, the school)
  • 1 raise/extension.
  • A wide array of sweaty, shirt and tie combinations.
  • A losing record against Virginia.
  • Worst loss in school history (58-0 Clemson)

[TWEET]658014062337462272[/TWEET]

Our basketball team has more wins against Duke and Virginia during this same period. That's his record. Those are his accomplishments. And all of this while he acted like he was doing us a favor for being here during "the cloud." If there were a national championship for talking a good game, he'd be undefeated. Problem is you actually have to close on recruits and win games in this business to have any real/tangible/quantifiable success. Those are things he wouldn't know anything about. He's nothing more than a cheap huckster, who possesses the sideline demeanor and poise of my cat when it's sprayed with water.





Pack your stuff and get the **** out.


What Now?

What do I want?



/swags


Butch City.

Other than my fantasy of Chip Kelly leaving the Eagles, it's all about the Butch as far as I'm concerned. Too old? **** you. Left the wrong way? Eat my ass. Some of you agree with me based on this thread. Not only will this guy recruit his balls off, but he's one of the greatest talent evaluators the college game has ever seen. You also know he's capable of putting together a monster coaching staff. Remember, these are just some of the guys who he had underneath him at some point as UM's head coach from 1995-2000:

Chuck Pagano - Secondary (Colts)
Greg Schiano - Defensive Coordinator (Rutgers, Bucaneers)
Rob Chudzinski - Tight Ends (Browns)
Larry Coker - Offensive Coordinator (Miami; won a National Title, currently at UTSA)
Randy Shannon - Linebackers (Miami)
Curtis Johnson - Receivers (Tulane)

All those guys became head coaches either in the NFL, in college, or both. Some more successful than others. That's pretty damn impressive. He's on the radio and ESPN every Saturday practically begging for the job. The only real concern is the John Robinson factor. USC fell on hard times when Robinson went to coach the Rams in the 80's. They brought him back in '90s hoping to have the same success, but the second go around was rather meh. When he left the second time, they sucked for a few more years until they finally got the right guy in Pete Carroll. Then again, John Robinson sucks and so does USC.

What I don't want is Mario Cristobal. He's the Cuban Al Golden, and the fact that his name keeps getting dropped by guys like Bruce Feldman and Joe Schad scares the ever-loving **** out of me. It makes me think the school has already settled on him and is trying to let it be known early. We'll probably hear a bunch of names in the next few days. The Houston dude and some guy from Memphis seem to be the hot names this year. I know nothing about them. Hopefully the school does the right thing. It's easy if you try.




Official Song for this day:

[video=youtube;503sqO5RbAs]www.youtube.com/watch?v=503sqO5RbAs[/video]
 

Comments (53)

This is where we give remembrance to our dearly departed coRch.




Some guy once said it's not nice to kick a man when he's down. **** that guy.

We gather here on this glorious day to mourn not just the Al Golden error of 2011-2015, but to the trusting of our training as well. In the front row I can see @CutlerRidgeLaz, @Franklinaire, @HurricaneStiz, @JoyTaylorTalks, @JoeRoseShow, @ByTimReynolds, and several other #CanesHam dignitaries. We wish to extend our deepest and most heartfelt condolences to you in this time of sorrow. Real quick, what plans do you have for this shirt now?



There's probably a janitor at some stripper booth place that could find some use for it. You guys were some of Al Golden's most ardent defenders/apologists over the past two years, while also being the biggest, stupidest, most condescending douchebags in the process. The planet would be a much better place if you all faded away from existence.


[video=youtube;gUC81pNieXc]www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUC81pNieXc[/video]


As good as that just felt, I can't sit here and pretend I wasn't a big Golden supporter early on, and so were 99.9999% of the rest of you. To say I despise Al Golden would be an understatement to be sure. However, when the likes of Luther Campbell, Jason Whitlock, Warren Sapp, or Omar Kelly trashed him in the early days we attacked them, and defended Al like he was our dad. We excused all of their criticisms away because we wanted to believe in him. What we believed in turned out to be nothing more than a mirage, just like the sham of a job he did during his tenure here. Hell, I was one of his biggest cheerleaders at one point. Go back and read what I was saying about him here and here. That was midway through the 2013 season. As a fanbase we went from saying this about him:




To saying this:





That 180 degree turn happened within a year's time. We have a dedicated fanbase, like the fine folks over at the wEz to thank for that. But one person in particular did all the heavy lifting in this, and that is Vishnu motherfucking Parasuraman. His weekly use silly things like "facts" and "data" and "logic" were our only defense against the idiocy coming from the Hecht Center over the past 5 years. If not for them calling a spade a spade 24/7, we'd all still be debating whether or not Dorito should be fired. Whatever. What's done is done. Let's look back at the low-lights of Golden's tenure.

Talented Bullshitter



Since the day he was hired, Golden was a walking, talking, quote machine. From "uphold the legacy" to "are you kidding me?" to every other worthless slogan that dripped out of his sorry mouth. Who could forget everyone's favorite Goldenism, "The Cloud."




The most shameful of his lame buzzwords/catchphrases was the leadership and "no me guys" nonsense that was perpetrated before this season. Golden tried pass on the idea that leadership on this year's team was so much better, that the losses of upperclassmen to the NFL would easily be overcome. That's not just an attack on a college player's character, but it's an excuse for last season's collapse. He passed the buck on the tailspin at the end of the 2014 season by saying Duke Johnson, Ereck Flowers, Denzel Perryman, Clive Walford, Anthony Chickillo, Ladarius Gunter, and Phillip Dorsett were selfish, "me guys." It wasn't just pathetic for him to do it, it was patently absurd. Those players gave everything they had while they played here. Al Golden isn't man enough to take any real blame for his shittyness. It's a mortal lock that whenever he gets another job, he's going to play the "whoah is me, I stuck with them through Shapiro and this is the thanks I get" card to the media. **** him.

He was putting on a front his whole time here, as though he read a self help book on how to run a top program and followed it step by step. Which as it turns out, was just an audition for the job at his alma mater...the only place he was ever interested in from the beginning. Unfortunately for us, our school's administration was the only one dumb enough to give him the job...while the pederast cult he got a degree from saw through everything about him. He went AWOL for about a week following the 2013 season to beg for that job, and they still told him to kick rocks. That's how much he sucked. He followed that whole debacle with this horrible press conference, where he went on and on about how we were "trending upward."


[video=youtube;z-NC8qtuGOw]www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-NC8qtuGOw[/video]


Look how depressed he was that he didn't get that job and had to slum it here with the rest of us. **** him.


Recruiting Failures

We should have known he would be a disappointment when he failed to keep Teddy Bridgewater in the fold. That was the first sign he wasn't cut out for this job. We just pretended like Bridgewater was some spoiled recruit. That "upward trend" of losing top priority local recruits at need positions continued over the years. Off the top of my head the list includes; Amari Cooper, Alex Collins, Mathew Thomas, Denver Kirkland, Keith Bryant, Jaynard Bostwick, Sony Michel, Ermon Lane, Dalvin Cook, Travis Rudolph, Brandon Powell, Carlton Davis, Davante Davis, Da'Vante Phillips, Torrance Gibson, Jordan Scarlett, Jordan Cronkrite, Antonio Calloway, Dwayne Lawson, Dexter Williams, Calvin Ridley, Shawn Burgess-Becker, and Tim fucking Irvin (yeah, that guy's nephew). That's the Florida players in just a 4 year stretch. He slow-played guys like James Burgess, Jr. and Skai Moore while they go on to stardom at Louisville and South Carolina respectively.

Connecting to South Florida recruits and changing their minds was the real problem. Every recruiting cycle a local star gave him the gas face and we see them starring at other schools each Saturday. **** him.


Horrible Defense



To think back at the loyalty he showed to his incompetent, half-wit buddy is downright shameful. I forgot what it looks like to have an aggressive defense. A defense where our linemen are allowed to attack, penetrate, and wreak havoc in the backfield. A defense where linebackers have some semblance of a clue of what's going on around them when they drop back to defend the pass. And finally, I long for the days where our defensive backs are allowed to get into a wide receiver's face, jam them at the line of scrimmage, and force them to earn their way to get open. The thing is 2-gapping defensive fronts can and do work in college. Alabama and FSU are examples of that over the past 5 years. But our's seems to encourage defensive linemen to play patty cake with offensive guards, linebackers standing around in space trying to cover slot receivers, and corners that give wide outs 10 yards of cushion on 3rd and 3. We recruit insanely gifted highschool pass rushers like McCord and Muhammed, then ask them to cover receivers in open space.





The Record

Here's the list of Golden's accomplishments in his time spent in Coral Gables from 2011-2015:


  • 32-25 record in 4.5 seasons.
  • 1 failed attempt to use this job as a stepping stone to Penn State.
  • A record of 0-9 against teams who finished the season ranked (soon to grow).
  • Only 3 victories against teams with 8 or more wins (Georgia Tech 2011, Duke and Cincinnati 2014).
  • Zero National titles.
  • Zero ACC titles.
  • Zero Division titles.
  • Zero Bowl wins.
  • Zero wins against Florida State.
  • 1 loss to Duke (seriously, you lost to Duke)
  • 1 loss to Cincinnati (not the Bengals, the school)
  • 1 raise/extension.
  • A wide array of sweaty, shirt and tie combinations.
  • A losing record against Virginia.
  • Worst loss in school history (58-0 Clemson)

[TWEET]658014062337462272[/TWEET]

Our basketball team has more wins against Duke and Virginia during this same period. That's his record. Those are his accomplishments. And all of this while he acted like he was doing us a favor for being here during "the cloud." If there were a national championship for talking a good game, he'd be undefeated. Problem is you actually have to close on recruits and win games in this business to have any real/tangible/quantifiable success. Those are things he wouldn't know anything about. He's nothing more than a cheap huckster, who possesses the sideline demeanor and poise of my cat when it's sprayed with water.





Pack your stuff and get the **** out.


What Now?

What do I want?



/swags


Butch City.

Other than my fantasy of Chip Kelly leaving the Eagles, it's all about the Butch as far as I'm concerned. Too old? **** you. Left the wrong way? Eat my ass. Some of you agree with me based on this thread. Not only will this guy recruit his balls off, but he's one of the greatest talent evaluators the college game has ever seen. You also know he's capable of putting together a monster coaching staff. Remember, these are just some of the guys who he had underneath him at some point as UM's head coach from 1995-2000:

Chuck Pagano - Secondary (Colts)
Greg Schiano - Defensive Coordinator (Rutgers, Bucaneers)
Rob Chudzinski - Tight Ends (Browns)
Larry Coker - Offensive Coordinator (Miami; won a National Title, currently at UTSA)
Randy Shannon - Linebackers (Miami)
Curtis Johnson - Receivers (Tulane)

All those guys became head coaches either in the NFL, in college, or both. Some more successful than others. That's pretty damn impressive. He's on the radio and ESPN every Saturday practically begging for the job. The only real concern is the John Robinson factor. USC fell on hard times when Robinson went to coach the Rams in the 80's. They brought him back in '90s hoping to have the same success, but the second go around was rather meh. When he left the second time, they sucked for a few more years until they finally got the right guy in Pete Carroll. Then again, John Robinson sucks and so does USC.

What I don't want is Mario Cristobal. He's the Cuban Al Golden, and the fact that his name keeps getting dropped by guys like Bruce Feldman and Joe Schad scares the ever-loving **** out of me. It makes me think the school has already settled on him and is trying to let it be known early. We'll probably hear a bunch of names in the next few days. The Houston dude and some guy from Memphis seem to be the hot names this year. I know nothing about them. Hopefully the school does the right thing. It's easy if you try.




Official Song for this day:

[video=youtube;503sqO5RbAs]www.youtube.com/watch?v=503sqO5RbAs[/video]

 
I cant believe the nightmare is finally over.

Bring Back Butch
 
[video=youtube;xZzEzDkeHzI]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZzEzDkeHzI[/video]
 
OP you forgot the monstrous amount of decommitments he had here.

Remember how Jeremy Davis called him a liar? Welp....he was right.
 
Golden gone and Dan back? I can't believe how pumped I am after the program's worst (and possible saving-grace) loss. It's great to be a Miami Hurricane again.
 
Good to see you back contributing, D.E.D. Great take.
 
Good **** Dan E. Good to have you back.

You need to read up on Fuente and Herman though. They're the real deal.
 
I got to give you credit. Helluva write up and your creativity/wittyness is twitchy. +1
 

2021 Commits

S
6'5"
220
Fort Lauderdale, FL
DT
6'4"
255
Miami, FL
OG
6'2"
295
Miami, FL
DT
6'4"
290
Miami, FL
DE
6'5"
210
Miami, FL
WR
6'2"
180
Miami, FL
RB
6'0"
225
Hollywood, FL
TE
6'4"
210
Frisco, TX
STR
6'3"
190
Melbourne, FL
S
5'11"
200
Miami, FL

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